Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your temper will be your downfall this week, Aries. Pick your battles. Your Marxist memes on Facebook are concerning your family, but remember: the enemy is capitalism — not your Aunt Teri and her dumbass comments.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taureans are considered to be a very generous sign: often financially independent, down-to-earth, and incredibly patient people. And handsome. Did I forget to mention handsome? Soooo good looking. Anyways, can I borrow $20?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Summer is the most motivating time of year. Make sure to hone your craft before you put yourself on blast, though. No one wants to buy your homemade underwear made out of old band T-shirts unless they’re top notch.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Things will be booming in your career sector this month, Cancer. A promotion long overdue is coming your way: Pizza Mike’s is now going to let you have 2 toppings on your free shift slice. Live it up!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Not everything is all about you, Leo, but a good way to make it seem that way is to just keep starting scene beef. Who cares that you’re almost 40? It’s definitely still very cool and edgy.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The stars have one message for you this week, and it’s loud and clear: now is the ideal time to get that dog you want. Ignore everyone saying you “don’t have a job” or “can’t even take care of yourself” — and especially the haters that keep telling you “you’ve been crashing on my couch for the last six months, you can’t just bring a dog in here, Jason.”
Libra (September 22- October 23)
Did you know that nearly 3.5 million Americans are diagnosed with skin cancer every year, Libra? Stay protected by applying sunblock to the skin that sticks out of the knee rips in your skinny jeans, and the tops of your ears that aren’t protected by that beanie you won’t take off.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve been dreaming a lot lately, Scorpio, but it’s time to wake up. It may feel real, but you aren’t actually the long-lost child of Sharon Needles… and you do have to stand in line for the meet-n-greet, just like everyone else.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, it may be wise to ask yourself what hamster wheel you’re stuck on. Are you moving the circle pit, or is the circle pit moving you?
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Don’t you just hate it when the tall, loud person stands in front of you at a show and refuses to move? Make your voice heard this week and tell that person to move over! If they don’t listen, spill your beer down the back of their pants.
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Be on the lookout for short people at the show this week, Aquarius. If you stand in front of them while the band is playing, they may make your night a living hell. Wear shorts… or keep an extra pair of pants in that giant backpack you carry everywhere.
Pisces (February 19- March 20)
You may be feeling lonely this week, Pisces. All your friends have moved away from your hometown, and now all of a sudden, it’s like they think they’re better than you or something? Fucking assholes.
Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.