Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Aries. Nobody cares that Josh ate your leftover take out. It was moldy, and he puked after anyway. Get over it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you big ol’ bull. You’re known for being stubborn — ignoring the advice of others and following your own path. It’s what makes you, you! Combine that with your extreme procrastination, however, and that thing on your neck is going to continue to grow until you’re no longer recognizable to friends and family.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
An Earth-sign male will make an appearance in your life this week, Gemini… and it’s probably gonna be that patchwork-pants hippie kid asking for a ride again. Get creative with the excuses this time! Fill any and all free space in your car with Tupperwares full of unsold merch from two tours ago.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Put yourself out there this week, Cancer. Host a house show! Just be sure to fight the urge to go hide in your room once you remember how much you hate hosting shows, a mere 20 minutes after the stupid thing starts. Look to a pushover Libra in your life to pressure into helping you clean up.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Punk may or may not be dead, Leo, but one thing is for sure — you soon will be. You have until the 19th to get your affairs in order.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Some people might say you’re too old to still be skateboarding; others might say you’re too young to be in such horrific physical shape. Well, which one is it? You knew who I was before we started dating, and now, all of a sudden, you want me to change everything about myself! God, it’s like nothing I do is ever good enough for you, is it? Oh! Oh! Now you’re going to tell me I’m just like my father, aren’t you? Here we go!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Maintaining the balance you naturally crave will be a tricky feat for you this week, Libra. Do your best to even things out by soaking up some of that 180 proof vodka with some bread or rice or something starchy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, the times they are a’changing. Like it or not, you’re just going to have to get used to the new generation of kids showing up to all the same shows as you. Yeah, yeah, they aren’t as cool or cultured as you… but maybe one day they’ll also start a super-original vintage label on Etsy, or play synth in a prog rock band. You never know.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Eyes on the prize this month, Sagittarius. Only 6 more Tide Pods to go before you are the world record holder of frequent calls to poison control. Keep it going. You got this!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The stars must not be moving much for you this month or something, Cap. Same forecast as last week: still a poser. Maybe it’s just a phase?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Someone will be taking you up on that offer to “crash anytime,” so use your naturally Airy ability to flake by pretending you didn’t see their messages until after they’ve already left town.
Pisces (February 19- March 20)
You’ve gotta get out of your comfort zone, Pisces. We get it: you have a new meme account on Instagram making fun of super-specific sub-genres of music that only you are into, but consider putting your creative energy to good use: start a comment war on someone else’s Instagram meme account making fun of super-specific sub-genres. Support the scene!