Aries (March 21-April 19)
Tensions are high near the 15th this month — especially around your home and family life. Tell your mom to fucking chill, you’ll pay her back (and then some!) just as soon as your demo gets picked up.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Universe is running on punk time for you this week, Taurus, so use the opportunity to sleep in a little later than usual… or risk arriving early and standing around like some asshole.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Remember last year, when you said you wanted to go vegan? Of course, that never ended up happening, but your friends knew you would never ACTUALLY stick to something, anyway. Prove them wrong this week, Gemini. Try giving up something that’s unhealthy for you… like that vape pen. PLEASE stop vaping. I mean, have you seen yourself?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Good things will continue to happen for you this week, Cancer. Mercury says the patches in the crotch of your jeggings will hold for an extra two weeks, so mosh hard.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
We all know you’re a great salesman, Leo. Unfortunately, no one is in the market for dumpster bagels. But, don’t fret! Seagulls make excellent snacking partners… if you’re willing to share.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
An opportunity to make a little money will come your way this week, Virgo. Make sure the van is gassed up and ready to help your co-worker move — it’ll be far more lucrative than all of your past tours, combined.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The end of this month is a fantastic time for you to make financial moves, Libra. Sure, some might tell you to invest in stocks, or cryptocurrency, but you and the universe both have a much more sound investment in mind — vinyl!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Be nice to Pisces this week, or so help me God, Scorpio, I will fucking cut you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Nobody — not even the stars — knows how you got yourself thrown out of a spoken word poetry show, Sag. Maybe it was the 40 oz. in your coat; maybe it was peeing in the artificial plant. Either way, one thing is certain — you better invest in a Chemex, because you are not welcome back on the premises of that coffee shop for a long, long time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The power of positive thinking will not save you this week, Cap. You’re still a poser. Nice try, though. Asshole.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
It’s time to buckle down and start saving your money, Aquarius. That Descendents 7” you stood in line at 8 a.m. to buy on Record Store Day last month is the only equity you have to your name, so sit tight on that bad boy until it’s time to cash in.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You will have some issues with a Scorpio in your life this week, Pisces. Drink some coffee, listen to Bikini Kill, and clean the toilet with their toothbrush. Things will be better in no time.