Aries (March 21-April 19)
While it is true that the stars don’t know everything, they do know that you are, without a doubt, wearing a black band T-shirt at this very moment.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Some people say it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission… and those are the people you need to avoid, Taurus. Whoever told you to crowdkill at the RVIVR show was a bad influence, and you need to stop talking to them. You’re already a tough sell — don’t add this to it, too.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sparks are flying, Gemini! Not romantic ones, sure, but they’re undeniably sparks, and they’re coming from that ’96 Chevy Astro you picked up for a cool $350… so, you might want to investigate, and definitely want to make sure nothing flammable is near them.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tasks of any kind may seem completely unattainable this month, but just because you’ve been hungover for two weeks straight doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish your goals. Take a pull from that flask, lace up those Docs, and go walk that dog on the West side early so you can cover your bike messenger route this afternoon… that is, if you don’t wanna be late for your evening barista shift.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos can be fiery and headstrong, and this week will be no exception. Instead of fighting your rebellious side, Leo, embrace that shit! Headwalk as much as your heart desires — any meathead bouncer telling you otherwise is interfering with your astral destiny, “man.”
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your routine is going to change a lot this month, Virgo. Dave is gonna mess with everything, and suddenly, you’re going to have to play more than the same three chords you’ve played since you were nine. Don’t worry too much, though — everyone, including Dave, will agree it’s too hard, and just give up around the full moon anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Overwhelmed? Feeling suffocated? This basement show is too hot, Libra. You have to get out of here! You’re 30, nobody will make fun of you. Just get outside and breathe some fresh air. Be free! Besides, according to this astrologist (and your cardiologist), you’re at high risk of passing out at pretty much any given moment anyway, so it’s best to play it safe.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’re a sexy little arachnid, aren’t you, Scorpio? Are scorpions arachnids? Anyway, whatever — once you get consent, use those claws to pinch some butts and fucking go for it! Snip snip! You’re a scorpion! (Which I have confirmed as arachnids.)
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As a Sagittarius, you were born to take risks. Your rebellious, in-your-face attitude is simply fulfilling your astrological destiny, no matter what your parole officer or the State of Texas says — to hell with those assholes! You do you!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Things are going extra great for you this week, Capricorn! Ride your good luck and sell a few tapes to people in the street; maybe ask dear ol’ Dad if you can borrow the Windstar for the night. We promise whatever you’re selling, people will be buying… or will at least wait until you’re out of earshot to start talking shit about it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Today’s stars invite you to let the experimental drone side project go. Nobody wants it, nobody needs it. Be guided by Saturn’s bravery — stop pretending you’re “just waiting for the right set of musicians to come around,” and start admitting those musicians will never exist… because musicians don’t play drone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Relationships have definitely been on your mind this month, playful Pisces, so go for it! Be bold and ask out that cutie at the record store. Who knows? You might score a date and a Dinosaur Jr. box set… or, at the very least, maybe some sweet store credit for all those old ska CDs taking up space at your mom’s house.