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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Single Aries should be on the lookout for a new “special someone” in places they might otherwise not look this week. Free clinics are filled with freshly tested singles — dip into that fishbowl of free condoms at the front desk and give a sexy stranger a try!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Love is in the air this week, Taurus. Use the energy to create an amorous nest for lovers old and new. Just be sure to shrink wrap your couch cushions before everyone shows up — vegetable oil can double as lube, but that shit will stain most manufactured and natural-fiber fabrics. Be prepared.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Some of your shady behavior will catch up with you this week, Gemini. Watch your back, and your front porch — the people whose garden gnome you stole know what’s up, and they are not happy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your spontaneity often makes you the life of the party, Cancer. However, this week it will become the reason your favorite venue now has a “no live iguanas in the bathroom” policy. Live and learn. Look into emotional support animal guidelines.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today might be a good day to take a break from social media, Leo. Your BDSM role play buddy just had his second child, and… wow, that is just way too weird to look at.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Now that spring cleaning is done, it’s the perfect time for summer organizing, Virgo. Resist the temptation to go overboard, though — recoil your audio cables, sure, but there’s no need to dust and sanitize them.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Expect a struggle to sleep this week, Libra. Around the 20th, you’ll suddenly recall your Macklemore phase. None of us have forgotten. Peek around your stepmom’s medicine cabinet for a loose Ambien or two.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Demanding extra drink tickets* from an opening act will pay off this week, Scorpio. You might only be in the second band, but if you ask any of the seven people in the crowd, you deserve those extra treats (*well drinks only).

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Things are looking up for you this week, Sagittarius! Friends, travel and financial situations are all on the up-and-up, so expect to apologize for a lot of embarrassing shit after socializing for the first time since SXSW.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Much like fellow Cap, Elvis Presley, you’re sure to capture the attention of a generation and change an entire genre of music as we know it. But, while you will never be able to pull off a rhinestone jumpsuit and mutton chops, don’t let that stop you from trying.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
There’s an opportunity to impress a potential suitor this week, Aquarius, so watch the endless talk about your drumming — they already assumed as much from your profile pic of you drumming, the other pics of you playing drums, and the cover photo of just your drums. Leave something to mystery — like the fact that you also sing.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
No one can keep you in a box, Pisces, and this week is no different. You’re a fish, after all! And you can’t keep a fish in a box — it would get all soggy and disgusting. You need a jar. Or an aquarium. Or at the very least, an empty PBR can.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton