Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Keep your cool this week, Aries. Temper tantrums are like rocks in rochambeau — you should only throw them once, and never in front of the same group of friends twice. Also, we call rock/paper/scissors rochambeau now.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It’s a good week to come to terms with your mortality, Taurus. You’re in your late 30s, which is not the best time to start a punk band. Start a pop-punk band instead. You’ll fit right in.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Known as the celestial twins, you’re often thought to have two sides, Gemini — neither of which likes to wash their fucking dishes, apparently. They can only “need to soak” for so long. We know what you’re doing. Add some soap next time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Some added stress is headed your way this week, Cancer. Relieve the worries with a home-cooked meal. Your homemade, plant-based ice cream can easily be converted into avocado dressing after you fuck it all up.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to show off your summer bod, Leo. Pop out your Fiskars, tear some more holes in your pants, and cut the sleeves off all the shirts that actually still have sleeves on them.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Feelings of insecurity will tempt you to jump onto a bandwagon this week, Virgo. We didn’t realize #skamericanidiot was trending, either, but do what you gotta do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Look, we’re going to be honest with you — we kind of thought Libra was the female equivalent to Leo this whole time. Maybe ‘cause of the L’s? That’s on us, and we’re sorry for being such unprofessional astrologers. However, we did learn the symbol for Libra is actually scales. Like, what? Scales? That’s super lame, dude. Lions are way cooler.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
If you’re a Scorpio in love, prepare to fly high as a kite on some pills you’ll find on the ground outside your friend’s burlesque show this weekend. But, if you’re a lone scorpion, skip the trip — not even your hallucinations want to be around you this week. Take the edge off with a drink.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Haters gonna hate, Sag, but try not to give people such low-hanging fruit. Longer shorts, for example. Everyone can see your balls. It was really funny at first, but now it’s just old and gross.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Beer has never been part of the Keto diet, Cap, and this week is no different. As far as we know, it is vegan, though, so just run with that if anyone asks.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Good fortune is in the cards for you this week, Aquarius. No need to pay for parking if you’re just running in for a quick burrito — sure, you may end up with a ticket, but the winds of the Universe will sweep it away. Hey, what you don’t know can’t hurt you, right?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a momentous time for you to focus on your true talents, Pisces. Put down the guitar in favor of what you’re truly good at — drinking, alone in the dark, lamenting over that butt flap that got ripped off in an elevator door last week. Wallow all you need — then, let it go.