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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not a great week for confrontation, Aries. Yes, you’ll definitely regret dropping $150 on doner kebabs for a bunch of strangers on your walk home from the bar this Friday… but taking it out on the customer service guy from your debit card company isn’t gonna change anything. Keep your cool. Look into overdraft protection.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will become close with a new neighbor this week, Taurus, when a sixth person moves into the basement with you. Be sure to make room. Invest in Febreeze.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Love is in the air this week, Gemini… but the object of your affections isn’t a new partner. It’s you! Treat yo’ self to a few extra looks at your ex’s Instagram with the surgical precision of someone NOT trying to like a post from 78 weeks ago.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s your week to shine, Cancer. As the sun moves into your sign, toss out that old black hoodie… and grab yourself a new black hoodie.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s a good week for introspection, Leo. Is it your small town that sucks, or is it just that you’ve completely run out of new people to bang? Look within your DMs for answers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Fastidious, analytical and practical, Virgo is EASILY the lamest of all the signs. And, frankly, we just didn’t feel like writing a horosc- I mean, the cosmos are looking cloudy this week, Virgo. …fucking clouds, right? Ugh. Check back later.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good fortune is all around you this week, Libra. That raccoon you hit on Route 66 will make an excellent addition to your chili. Didn’t realize racoons wore collars with little bells on them… but, hey — meat is meat. Score!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The dog days of summer are here, and you could stand to heat things up with some honesty, Scorpio. Come clean with your aunt: she can see that her Facebook comments always get deleted from your band’s videos. Feel free to blame your bassist, though.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You may be feeling antsy this week, Sagittarius… but try not to make any rash decisions. Yes, your band has actually managed to last for more than five years; that doesn’t mean you should go “experimental.” Band practice is not the time to try out your new freestyles, Josh! Trust the process.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Venus enters your solar 7th house this week, Capricorn, so shoot your shot before the skies move the Love Planet out of your chart, and bed bugs move you out of that DIY art space.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
It’s so easy for people to fall in love with you, Aquarius, and it’s really become a problem since the Gemini new moon last month. Don’t give all your time to potential suitors. Set firm boundaries: no more drummers, period. (Bands on tour don’t count.)

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
More isn’t always better, Pisces — especially when it comes to black clothes. Straight up, everyone at work thinks you only have one outfit. Consider adding a navy or gray bandana for a “blindingly bright” pop of color.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.