Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries is known as the most adventurous of all the zodiac. While your bravery and risky behavior is applauded by some, others will be quick to point out that your one-man, train hopping, cross-country, experimental knife juggling/noise band was probably doomed from the start. Stock up now on Band-Aids and antibiotics.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, your best attribute is your stoicism… and it would be super chill if you could tap into that and exercise just a little bit more patience on this month’s utilities. I’ll totally have it when I get back from tour next week. I swear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will have a particularly hard time managing money this week, Gemini, but make sure you pay your cell phone bill above all else — your roommate will be texting from the other room with a head’s up that “there’s squirrels fucking totally doing it!!!!” in the backyard, and you don’t wanna miss that.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You need to finally get it together, Cancer, and the planetary conditions are right for you to succeed this week. Time to stop being a cry-hard and start being a try-hard. You can start by trying harder to stop crying about how loud this show is — just bring earplugs like everyone the fuck else.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You may be feeling a little down and not like your usual, royal self, but don’t forget — when several rats get bound together by entangling of their tails, they form a horrific beast known as a “rat king,” so it all depends on how you look at things, really.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
We get it, everyone hates Trump, and now Kanye, but what’s up with Charlie Sheen these days? Are we all still hating that guy?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra, luck has been on your side for the last few weeks or so. It’s time for you to give back — pay if forward by throwing a bottle at that insufferable hardcore dude who makes the entire scene miserable. The kids will thank you.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
This week will feel more horror-scope… and not in a fun, Misfits way, Scorpio. Basically, you need to stop being horrible. Real badasses don’t need to toot their own horn, and no one is interested in adding a literal horn section to their band. So stop pushing it.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Be careful not to overestimate your abilities this month, Sag. Simply owning a tattoo gun does not make you a tattoo artist — which will become abundantly clear once you get halfway through your cousin’s neck piece.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Many regard you to be shy, or even standoffish, Capricorn. Which is a good thing — no one will ask you to keep an eye on their merch table while they “run to the bathroom real quick.” Whatever you’re doing, keep it up.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The urge to be near something watery will be especially strong for you this week, Aquarius. Buy a 12-pack of Rolling Rock to satisfy your needs.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pulitzer Prize-winning rapper Kendrick Lamar once said, “Sit down. Be humble.” Please take that advice to heart this week, and “hold up, lil bitch,” because you may not be working with all the information you need.
Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.