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Your Aunt is “Pretty Much Straight Edge” This Christmas, Too

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. – You won’t be the only straight edge person around the table this holiday season, because your aunt has loudly declared she will also be “pretty much straight edge for the holiday dinner weekend.”

After embarrassing herself at the last 15 family gatherings, your aunt has now made it perfectly clear there will not be a repeat of the “tossed turkey” incident from Thanksgiving last month.

“I’m always straight edge while at work and on weekends before 5pm, so it will be easy to be straight edge while the family is together,” your aunt said while drinking wine. “Oh this? Wine doesn’t count. It’s good for your heart.”

Related: Punk’s Mom Never Fails to Ask if Son “Got Good Seats”

Despite repeated explanations of what straight edge actually means, your aunt insists you draw those “fun little Xs” on her hands this weekend, too.