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White House Grants Jared Kushner All Access Pass to Coachella

INDIO, Calif. — Democrats are investigating White House Senior Adviser Jared Kushner for receiving an all-access, VIP pass to Coachella that will grant him access to restricted areas, according to multiple sources on Capitol Hill who were unable to get tickets in time.

“Mr. Kushner claimed he was brought in by festival organizers to resolve the ongoing beef between Ariana Grande and Childish Gambino, but after hours of scrolling Twitter, we have found no evidence that the two artists have ill will towards each other,” said committee Chairwoman Maxine Waters [D-Calif]. “The taxpayers should not have to foot the bill for Mr. Kushner to attend this festival when he clearly doesn’t know most of the bands and probably just wants to show off on Instagram.”

Kushner responded through an official White House memo sent to the press via WhatsApp.

“My attendance at this festival is quickly devolving into partisan politics, so Democrats can claim they know more about Tame Impala than I do,” read the statement. “Nobody knows more about Tame Impala than me. I listen to them with my dad all the time, OK? So just leave me the frick alone and let me have some free time. I work really, really hard.”

When reached, Coachella founder Paul Tollett seemed excited Kushner would be attending.

“I have to admit, I kind of hate everyone that attends this music festival. Everyone is… I don’t know, a bit ‘gay’ for my liking. So it’ll be nice to bounce some ideas off Jared; see what the going rate is for White House influence this next election cycle,” said Tollett from a luxury hotel near Coachella grounds. “I tried getting Steve Bannon to come out a few years ago, but he said he gets sick when he’s around people enjoying themselves.”

At press time, multiple witnesses allege Kushner ran into a Port-o-Potty to throw up after drinking a single wine cooler.

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