LOS ANGELES – Local wellness influence Juniper “Uni” Ferdinand offered her sincerest thoughts and manifestations to the victims of another senseless mass shooting, her followers confirmed.
“The people of this miraculous world are hurting, bleeding, begging for help. It is precisely times like these when we need to look into ourselves, feel the grass blades between our toes, listen to our own chi and be grateful for life,” said Ferdinand. “And as we offer gratitudes for our own precious breath, we send thoughts and manifestations for the spiritual healing—and to a lesser extent, the physical healing—of the nineteen victims. If we want to defeat this evil plaguing the nation, we all must join together to manifest a world with fewer guns, fewer bullets, more bulletproof vests and more bulletproof glass.”
Ferdinand’s message resonated with her 1.2 millions followers, including amateur mud therapist Barrett French.
“I was taking a sound bath when my roommate knocked on the door and asked me if I had heard the news. I’ll admit, I thought it was pretty fucking rude for that inconsiderate asshole to interrupt my ritual,” French said. “I was ready to light up the sage again for a cleansing. But once I checked my phone and read Uni’s poetic words, my crystals started vibrating with love. I knew what I had to do: I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and visualized thousands of people relinquishing their guns into the sea; it was remarkable.”
Gun violence activist and University of California Berkeley professor Martina Collins harshly disagrees with this new age response to tragedies.
“Not only is the ‘thoughts and manifestations’ message thoroughly empty and meaningless, but it is actively harmful. Violence isn’t happening because Mercury is in retrograde, and hoping and wishing for a better society while you get blessed by your green juice and kneel before your tarot deck isn’t going to bring these victims back,” Collins said while digitally signing a change.org petition. “People need to take direct action that is proven to work, like instantly sending a $8 donation to your state representative.”
Ferdinand continued to help heal society by aligning her crystals in a way to bring down inflation.