DENVER — Local mom Carla Bogerton’s newfound acceptance of cannabis is reportedly ruining the fun of slipping away from the Thanksgiving table to smoke a fat J, sources confirmed.
“When my mom first started chilling the fuck out about weed, I was totally stoked,” said middle child and stoner Kevin Bogerton. “Everyone thinks having a cool mom is the dream. But it’s like, be careful what you wish for. Now that I’m not having panic attacks and counting the seconds in between looking at different family members, I think it’s actually ruining my Thanksgiving high, the high of all fucking highs. Who knows— maybe all this time, it was the art of rebellion that was getting me so lit.”
Cousins and extended family confirm that Mrs. Bogerton’s change in values has unfortunately killed the magic of a classic tradition.
“It used to be such a thrill. We’d slide out the back door, tell the folks we were ‘going for a walk,’ and then eat the meal of our lives while pretending our eyes were red from crying over memories of Grandma,” reported cousin Lionel Smithy. “But this year, when we went to put on our shoes, Aunt Carla pulled us aside and said: ‘Right here by the barbecue is the perfect spot to light up the ganja.’ Suddenly, I felt like being stone-cold sober.”
Cannabis expert Ralph Tamborine confirms there is science to back up this unfortunate phenomenon.
“Chill moms create this bell curve, whereby first the stoner can smoke to their heart’s content, but then over time the effects of the weed start to diminish until they feel nothing but a faint sense of boredom and respect for their mom,” explained Tamborine. “We see a sharp spike in this phenomenon every time Michael Pollan releases a new book. Moms are getting more relaxed, and drugs are getting stronger. It’s a cat-and-mouse situation. For those who want to maintain the integrity of the Thanksgiving high, we recommend tapping into drugs still abhorred by moms. This would include crack cocaine, heavy narcotics, and even cough medicine found lying around the house. Anything you can do to keep the thrill of breaking the rules.”
At press time, Bogerton and cousins were seen slipping away from the table with nitrous balloons under their coats.