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We Sit Down With the Sick, Sad Man Who Allows Websites to Send Him Desktop Notifications

Sure, it happens to the best of us- You’re reading the internet’s funniest satire site, The Babylon Bee. You get to the bottom of a hilarious article about Joel Osteen being in the next Avengers movie and through tears of laughter you notice that the page is suddenly filled with an insufferable number of ads. But your eye catches “10 Sleepaway Camp Actors Who Are Still Hot Today” and you can’t resist. But before the slideshow starts, there’s a popup. “Would you like to enable desktop notifications for”

“No,” you whisper to yourself. Possibly a “Fuck no” or “Who the hell ever clicks ‘Yes’ on these?”

Well, reader, after setting up a reverse proxy to spoof for the past few years, we finally found the one sad, pathetic human being who clicks Yes.

“I think it’s a really neat feature that you can automatically know when they publish a new article,” explained Wells Fargo risk analyst Michael Smith in an exclusive Skype interview with The Hard Times blog. “Otherwise, you would have to sit here and refresh the page. That could get tedious and you could hurt your finger with all that clicking! Ha ha ha!”

Smith, whose cubicle is sparsely decorated with a lone kitten calendar, elaborated that he doesn’t just use the feature on pop culture clickbait farms.

“I make sure to also enable desktop notifications on every single tech news site,” Smith continued. “What if Apple announces a new Apple TV remote? Oh boy, I’d have egg on my face if my coworkers found out before me! LOLOL”

Mystery solved. We found that the only person in the world who enables desktop notifications for mindless, unimportant websites is a bank analyst named Michael Smith. We thanked him for hopping on Skype with us, and caught a glimpse of his GOATWHORE forearm tattoo as he closed his laptop.