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Vegan Trick or Treater Asks if Anyone Is Going To Eat Their Smarties

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local vegan child Jackson Lavigne asked his friends if anyone planned to eat the Smarties and that he’d even be willing to trade for some full-size Milky Ways following a night of trick or treating, disappointed sources confirmed.

“When we all got back to Kyle’s house and I started to look at all the candy I had gotten I realized almost none of it was vegan except for Airheads, Sweet Tarts, Pixie Stix, and Smarties. Basically, all the garbage candy that everyone throws in the trash,” said Jackson Lavigne, 12 from inside his Avatar costume mask. “I figured I could unload my delicious Reese’s Pumpkins in exchange for some of the Smarties I know nobody wanted to begin with. Smarties at least taste like candy, unlike Brach’s Lemon Drops which taste like something you’d be forced to eat if you lose on a Japanese gameshow.”

Lavigne’s neighbor Sarah Garner said the preteen came by her house multiple times to ask for more Smarties.

“That kid in the blue Avatar costume must’ve come to my house five times to trick or treat. Every time he showed up he tried to change his costume a little bit to make me think he was someone else,” said Sarah Garner. “Like, yeah kid, putting a fake mustache and glasses on your Navi or whatever it’s called mask isn’t fooling anyone. I would have given him all this garbage candy because no one else was taking it. My husband was supposed to get a giant bag of Snickers but he waited until the night before Halloween to buy candy and all that was left at Target were these chalky discs that were invented before candy was good.”

Smarties execs say they want to remind consumers that Smarties are meant to be enjoyed by everyone and not just a weird vegan children.

“We at Smarties are happy that the vegan community sees us as a semi-acceptable substitute for good Halloween candy,” said Smarites Chief Marketing Officer Laura Pascal. “Sure, our candies are basically just Tums antacids wrapped in old-timey-looking packaging that get stuck in your teeth for days filling your mouth with an ambiguous chemically sweet taste but… sorry, I lost my train of thought. I have one of these fucking things stuck in my molars right now. Anyway, would you like some Smarties? My briefcase is full of them.”

At press time Jackson said he had given up on getting any more Smarties and had to settle on trading all his KitKats for someone’s gelatin-free candy corn which he said “is the worst candy of all, but at least it’s vegan.”