PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Valentine’s Day is a time-honored American holiday, and as couples nationwide nervously search for the perfect gift for their significant other, vegan boyfriend Todd Arthur knows he has found the perfect gift for vegan girlfriend Natalie Kozlowski: vegan chocolate.
“The one thing you have to know about Natalie and I — I’m not sure if I’ve told you — we are vegan,” Arthur said, prominently displaying his Green Rage bootleg t-shirt. “And that makes buying typical Valentine’s Day gifts a lot more difficult. I can’t buy her a stereotypical wool sweater, or take her to a nice barbecue dinner like most carnivores do.”
Arthur, standing in kitschy alternative gift store Brass and Bone, pondered the selection of cute, hand-carved paraphernalia and pointless baubles before settling on popular Valentine’s Day gift tradition.
“I know my vegan girlfriend like the back of my vegan hand: she likes it simple, not too over-the-top, and vegan,” the hopeless romantic mused, holding the $20 box of Cherub’s Carobs Artisan Chocolates. “She always says, ‘Don’t you dare get me anything to commemorate this exploitative, animal-product-centric, greeting card charade,’ but we all know she really means ‘you better make it something local, sustainably sourced, and vegan,’ and this fits all those criteria while demonstrating my boundless love.”
Arthur reports that he knew full well his heart would lead him directly towards the perfect gift, and that is exactly why he waited until the last possible minute to pick up the thoughtful gift.
“Well, the problem is, I don’t know what she’s interested in. It changes constantly. Like, just the other day she told me how much she loves sharks, and then went on a tangent on how messed up it is that sharks are always eating dolphins. Guess what? You’ve never seen a fucking shark before and that doesn’t even give me any gift ideas!” said an exasperated Arthur.
Confidence waning by the second, Arthur took his purchase to the counter, only to get a text notification from his girlfriend as he was grabbing for his wallet: “Where the hell are you? You better not be getting me those disgusting chocolates again.”
Photo by Nikodash.