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Unanswered Text Initiates Unending Cycle of Self-Loathing and Regret

NEW YORK — Local woman Angela Lefler experienced an unending cycle of self-loathing and regret last night after her post-date text message did not receive an immediate response, sources close to the anxious woman confirmed.

“She was super bummed out when she got home,” said Amber Miller, Lefler’s roommate. “I don’t really know why — this began 5 minutes after she didn’t get a response. And apparently, her text wasn’t a question, so, like, it’s pretty reasonable he wouldn’t answer at all. Plus, it’s late, and a weeknight. Maybe he’s just doing something crazy like, I don’t know… sleeping.”

Unfortunately, Lefler instantly assumed the worst, descending down a spiral of psychological unraveling.

“OK, so… I went on a date last night. It went really well, we got along great… and, after, I thought a quick, ‘Hey, that was fun!’ text would be nice,” said Lefler, speaking uncontrollably fast. “Like, I thought it went well. Maybe it didn’t? Did it not? We were both laughing — he seemed to have a good time — and when I said, ‘Let’s do this again,’ he was like, ‘Yeah, definitely, text me whenever!’ Why would he say that if he was gonna ghost me? Did he maybe not realize it was a date? Was I unclear?”

“How hard would it be to just give a quick, ‘Haha, yeah,’ or something… right?” she asked. “That seems reasonable. I think that’s reasonable.”

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An alleged appearance of a three-dot typing alert in Lefler’s chat window only exacerbated her analysis and evaluation of the date.

“I stupidly texted, ‘Were you about to say something?’ And I know that was a mistake. I know it,” said Lefler, slightly bending the outer casting on his phone from clutching it so hard. “What do you think? Should I switch from WiFi to LTE? Would that even help? Is he ghosting me? Is he playing games?”

“Should I have waited longer to text him? Should I not have texted him at all? Should I text him again?” Lefler asked, hyperventilating. “Is it because I coughed without covering my mouth? Was it my hair? Am I not tall enough? Am I too tall? Am I being completely irrational?”

At press time, Lefler was curled in the fetal position, trying to decipher her date’s eventual response of, “That sounds good, let’s do it again soon.”

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Article by Louie Aronowitz @louiearonowitz. Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.

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