Press "Enter" to skip to content

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Reintroduces Jocks to Wild to Keep Nerd Numbers Down

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population of nerds.

“A dearth of wild meatheads has led to an explosion in the nerd population over the past decade,” explained department spokesperson Nick Teller. “In cities and towns across this nation, this invasive genus continues to proliferate, whether in the form of the Lesser Spotted Weeb or the Flat Footed Magic Player. Without packs of dunderheaded beefcakes in letterman jackets prowling the streets and halls, herds of geeks have been allowed to thrive without getting the shit kicked out of them. Already this has had devastating consequences for the landscape and, without intervention, the situation could get worse and worse. If we don’t do something now, within another five years, America as we know it will be unrecognizable.”

Locals in areas where large groups of nerds have settled say they have been raising the alarm for years, and are relieved that the government might finally be taking action.

“It’s completely unsustainable. How can the local ecosystem survive when bars quit showing football in favor of running weekly ‘Lord of the Rings’ trivia nights?” asked longtime resident Brenda Whitmore. “Forty years ago there was harmony and balance. Sure, you’d see the occasional freak in coke bottle glasses reading a Spider-Man comic, but a good hiding from a guy named Billy or Butch would send him back to where he came from. Cruel, but that’s the circle of life. Now? They’ve got no natural predators, and you can hardly move for the bastards. In fact, it’s hard not to hit them with your car when they dart across the street to get to the newly opened board game store slash pinball parlor.”

Local jocks have reportedly been waiting for this sort of opportunity for a long time.

“I can’t wait to cream some nerds,” said Brock Chetson, a jock who the department has been raising in captivity for a moment like this. “And once I’ve thrown them in dumpsters and given enough of them swirlies, I’m gonna lead the breeding program. That means banging all those dorks’ chicks. For the balance of nature and shit. After we’re through, this nation will never hear the words ‘Dungeons’ or ‘Dragons’ ever again.”

At press time, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service was forced to shut down their plan after several of the jocks stuffed members of the department into lockers.