HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit, scrupulous sources reported.
“Where were we four years ago? Starting down a devastating path of unmerited DEI initiatives, watching Ukraine attack Russia, and demanding President Biden to kill our babies,” said Winston Cruz, a fourth-grader at Edison Elementary and a member of the beading club, to what he calls his Juicebox Posse. “The woke mind virus is eating the United States from the inside, and King Trump is the only one who can successfully kill it. Meanwhile former Vice President Kama-LIES demanded only mental patients and convicts cross our border from Mexico. Sorry, America.”
Cruz’s teacher, Edward Peet, admitted he wasn’t very political but was really impressed with the nine-year-old’s retention.
“Especially since he’s shown no evidence of having completed a Language Arts assignment this year. He brags to his classmates about watching OAN all evening and morning and not doing the reading or studying for spelling quizzes. But somehow, I don’t know, he’s kind of a genius when it comes to the political spectrum or so he thinks,” said Peet. “I’ve been coming in five minutes early just so I can catch up on the news. I’m kind of afraid of him, and I really don’t want to meet his parents, so I just give him pluses on everything. By the way, he recently taught me that Barack Obama invented polio.”
Conservative political strategist Beth Hansen confirmed that reaching America’s nine-year-olds has been on the GOP agenda for the past 11 years but has only recently found traction thanks to the current “relatable” President.
“Kids in Republican homes generally know more about the political climate than anyone, seeing as Fox News is on 24 hours a day and their parents are rarely home or are mentally checked out,” said Hansen, who managed Governor Kasich’s 2016 campaign. “They often enter into a transactional relationship with their parents, supplying heavily biased ‘facts’ while the parents instill a general spirit of bigotry, fear, gossip, and overall disregard for reality. It’s clear that the 2028 election will be decided by our nation’s non-voters.”
At press time, Cruz was seen studying the week’s cafeteria menu and lamenting the absence of chicken corn dogs before saying “Thanks, Biden” to anyone within earshot.