WASHINGTON — President Trump kicked off his birthday parade today with a 21-gun salute fired into a crowd of ‘No Kings’ protestors, sources confirmed.
“The military threw me the most beautiful birthday parade today, and although I’m another year older I’m still very young in my brain. The doctors say I have one of the youngest brains they have ever studied. Can you believe that? They want to keep my brain after I die, they want to put it in a museum and have my brain teach kids about business. But sadly some nasty Antifa thugs tried to ruin our good time today, and that 21-gun salute taught them a lesson, didn’t it folks?” said Trump. “I warned them not to protest, but maybe they should have listened instead of trying to ruin the greatest parade in the history of our country, which by the way had more casualties than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade ever had! You know Garfield called me and asked if he could ditch those losers and float at my parade next year, I said Garfield you do that and we can take care of your Odie problem for you.”
Fox News host Jesse Watters was quick to praise the display of military power.
“Wow, what an incredible parade—the patriotism, the display of military might, the mass shooting of protestors—it’s days like these that really make you proud to be an American. Thank you, President Trump,” said Watters, wiping a tear from his eye. “Even libs suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome have to admit that watching twenty-one Americans step up and volunteer to be ritually sacrificed for the glory of our Dear Leader was inspiring. No other President in our history would be able to inspire that kind of devotion, and I think today was truly the day that we saw our new King crowned.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was quick to chastise the execution of peaceful protestors in the most tepid terms possible.
“Under normal circumstances the Democratic Party fully supports law enforcement’s right to brutally quell protests, but the use of a respected military tradition to do so is highly irregular and completely inappropriate,” said Chuck Schumer, whipping out ‘the good stationary’. “Well rest assured, we’ve got skywriters on standby near Mar-a-Lago, and emergency pizzas are on their way to the White House right now, but get this—there’s gonna be a bullseye with an ‘X’ through it drawn in pepperoni. And if this happens two or three more times, we’ll be forced to deploy Lin Manuel Miranda, so consider yourself warned.”
At press time, Elon Musk’s counter-parade also turned into a mass-casualty event after every vehicle in the Cyber Truck procession exploded.