WASHINGTON — President Trump announced a new program to help boost ICE enlistment numbers by promising to forgive any debt incurred by delinquent child support payments by new recruits, multiple excited deadbeat dads confirmed.
“This country needs heroes right now. I wish I could be out there on the frontlines arresting illegal aliens myself, but I can’t, they need my big brain here in Washington to drain the swamp. And my brain is really big, doctors have looked at it and they can’t figure it out. It’s probably because my brain knows all the words, and all the numbers, and how they go together,” said Trump in a pre-written statement. “Today I’m enacting a beautiful new program to enlist some of the toughest men in our country to help restore our borders. These men are so tough they don’t even care about their own children, they don’t have time for love. The only thing they truly love is America, and me. And to reward these men for joining ICE we will forgive all of their child support debt and add it to the debt of a student at an Ivy League college.”
Jacob Lennihan, a divorced father of four, was one of the first people to take advantage of the new Trump initiative.
“I can’t wait to see the look on my ex-wife’s face when I tell her I don’t owe her jack shit anymore. Even better, my new job even lets me carry a gun even though two different judges banned me from having firearms until I finished an anger management course. Joining ICE is a big fuck you to my wife and the legal system as a whole,” said Lennihan. “It’s never been harder to be a man than it is right now. I haven’t seen my kid in years because I was allegedly drunk when I picked them up from school. Which is bullshit, I only had a few beers before picking them up, it was a bad reaction to the sleeping pills I just snorted that made me crash the car. That’s all behind me now though.”
Todd M. Lyons, the Acting Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, says he expects enlistment numbers to double before the end of the year.
“We are already seeing a large influx of qualified men who want to take advantage of the child support payment forgiveness. The most frequent question new recruits are asking is if they can deport their ex-wives to El Salvador. Unfortunately, that’s not legal right now, but we are working on it,” said Lyons. “We do give all the new recruits a pamphlet on how they can legally harass anyone who has done them wrong in the past, which has been very popular.”
At press time, President Trump is floating the idea of offering pardons to anyone with multiple DUIs if they are willing to play video games with Elon Musk for the weekend.