TROMAVILLE — Melvin Junko, also known as the Toxic Avenger, recently revealed that he is going to therapy for the first time in hopes of bettering himself, optimistic sources confirmed.
“Just last week I was sitting in the audience for a musical about my life. It was supposed to be rad. Like, ‘Point Break’ and Michael Keaton’s ‘Batman’ all mixed together,” said Junko. “Instead it was like catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror while taking a dump in a puppy’s face after eating bad sushi. And after seeing all the havoc I wrought in the city of Tromaville, all the pain I caused…it made me realize anger was the real supervillain of my origin story, ya know? I wanted to better understand what made me so toxic. It wasn’t just radioactive gunk, it was deeper.”
Shawn Jackson, owner of a local bookstore frequented by Junko, commented on his customer’s change.
“Back in the ‘80s, dude mainlined Hustler and Playboy. That’s it. And he’d come in like twice a day, every day. That money kept me open through the dotcom bubble and Amazon’s bullshit,” said Jackson. “Then, one day, he comes in asking for Tony Robbins and a copy of Your Best Life Now and I’m like, ‘you want a side of titties with that?’ And he said no! Now he’s only buying the newest Deepak Chopra and trying to regrow my missing eye with acupuncture needles he made out of ‘repurposed timber.’ That’s just dirty splinters, bro, Man. His granola ass fucked my bottom line all to hell.”
Junko’s landlord, Kyle Hermann, also weighed in on the transformation.
“Since he started self-actualizing, he’s saved me a fortune on chains,” said Hermann. “Tethering him to the basement wall by his neck was the only way to keep him from tearing the other tenants apart during his night terrors. Combination of CBT and ginkgo biloba, I hear. Though I must say, I will miss stealing his security deposit.”
Junko, replying to those who might recommend prescription medication for his mental health issues, was adamant that he’s staying on the natural route as he “is done with toxins of any kind.”