ST. PAUL, Minn. — Democratic Vice President hopeful Tim Walz found himself in the middle of a barrage of criticism after it was revealed he allegedly inflated his score during a game of bag toss at a family barbeque in 1998, his campaign managers confirmed.
“After weeks of trying to find something credibly scandalous that would actually stick, we had a lede from Governor Walz’s second cousin’s ex-husband that ‘Tampon Tim’ brazenly tacked on a few extra points to his bag toss score one boozy weekend at the cabin in the late ‘90s,” said conservative think tank member Ryan Donner. “Polls are indicating it’s shaking Midwesterners’ faith in Walz, and they know more than anyone that you don’t fuck around with the sanctity of bag toss for personal gain. Checkmate, liberals!”
Kamala Harris’ campaign acknowledged the events of the barbeque were true, though voters shouldn’t be concerned.
“When vetting Governor Walz, he acknowledged an incident on July 3rd, 1998 where after four Leinenkugels he added two points to his team during a game of bags so he could start grilling up the brats sooner,” said coordinator Trevor Skolman. “While some may view this as a significant lapse in moral character, rest assured it was just a one-time thing because his nephews were dogging him about being hungry and he was confident he’d win anyway. However, the governor will not be apologizing for calling it ‘bags’ instead of ‘cornhole.’”
Researchers from previous presidential campaigns highlighted the difficulty of finding election-ending dirt on popular candidates.
“Vetting a candidate is harder than it looks. When one side finds themselves up against a popular, clean-cut candidate, we’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel to find anything worth a damn like an overdue parking ticket or picking their kid up from soccer practice 15 minutes late. It’s what we in the field call ‘inconsequential bullshit,’” said former strategist Harold Forks. “A campaign can only hope a bunch of small transgressions in the news cycle will sway voters. We all remember Walter Mondale’s photo op of him in the tank ended up costing him the election, and yet the news of Ronald Reagan drowning puppies with his bare hand didn’t make any headlines.”
As of press time, Walz’s family spoke out about the incident and said everyone at the party immediately forgave him after he donned a hilarious grill apron with an airbrushed bikini body on it.