LOS ANGELES — Ticketing sales and distribution leader Ticketmaster announced their new “Fuck You Fee” today, adding an extra charge of $5.15 on all tickets purchased online, company officials confirmed.
“Exerting total dominance over concertgoers is our company’s mission. If we’re not truly the master of our customers — even for one second — then Ticketmaster has no place in this business,” said Michael Rapino, CEO of parent company Live Nation. “This new fee will let our customers know how we truly feel about them.”
Rapino and his fellow executives were prepared for public backlash with the announcement, following years of Ticketmaster’s shady business practices and a history of adding new fees for whatever reason they please.
“We received plenty of flack for the ‘Convenience Fee,’ with customers claiming that ‘nothing was convenient about it.’ We didn’t want to make the same mistake twice, so we cut straight to the point with our ‘Fuck You Fee,’” says Rapino. “Rest assured, the negative emails I receive only fuel my pure hatred for the people of this planet, and their desire to consume the arts.”
The fee will fund Ticketmaster’s newly formed Fuck You division, which aims to make future fees just as incomprehensible: obscuring all reasons why the fees exist, or how they arrived at the price.
While the methods are ambiguous, the company assures the message is direct.
“It’s a new kind of customer out there today: we did a lot of market research to find out what our customers want, and we went ahead and did the complete opposite,” said Chief Marketing Officer Lisa Licht. “It turns out you can’t advertise at people anymore — you need to advertise with them. We adopted this model so we can not only say, ‘Fuck you, fans,’ but do so with a smile while we’re holding their fucking hand.”
On average, Ticketmaster fees now represent 93 percent of the face value of a ticket. Alternatively, tickets can be purchased in person at all venue box offices, but will be subject to a $7 “How Fucking Dare You Look Me in the Eyes, You Scum” fee.