LOS ANGELES — Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing how Holsen and other ICE agents destroyed her family and ruined her life, sources confirmed.
“Terrorizing marginalized communities is often a thankless job. There are a lot of elements to this job that most people don’t see. Every day I go back to the hotel I have to put ice on my knuckles to treat the swelling because I punched someone in the head the wrong way, and a lot of times the pepper spray I use to subdue an agua fresca street vendor sprays back in my face, and that shit hurts,” said Holsen. “But then I get a letter like this from a young girl named Maria who tells me how she misses her dad, and how her mom cries herself to sleep every single night and it makes me remember why I signed up for this job. I love to know that I’m making a difference and making the lives of people I’ve never met infinitely more nightmarish.”
ICE’s Los Angeles Field Office Director Mark Reifeld says that Holsen is one of the most promising recruits he has seen in years.
“Agent Holsen has really hit the ground running. He’s constantly innovating ways to sneak up on migrant workers in the Home Depot parking lot so we can arrest them with as little running as possible. Just the other day he suggested we park around the corner and roll up on Lime scooters to catch everyone off guard and it worked,” said Reifeld. “And he took two years of Spanish class in high school, so he knows enough of the language to tell most of the people we are arresting that they will never see their families again. It’s great to have someone with those language skills on site.”
Community activist Yesenia Perez believes there is a special place in Hell for all ICE officers.
“Calling them pieces of dog shit is an insult to the digestive track of dogs. These men, and they are all insecure pathetic men, are unemployable in virtually every other field and now they get to take advantage of the incredibly low recruitment requirements ICE has. These guys are so pitiful that they couldn’t even become real cops, which takes almost no work at all,” said Perez. “But unfortunately this administration is giving ICE all the power they want, so the best we can do is hope these agents decide to blow their own heads off. But I won’t hold my breath.”
At press time, Holsen said he plans on unwinding this weekend by volunteering to euthanize dogs at an overrun animal shelter.