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The Supreme Court Code of Conduct Explained

The Supreme Court adopted a code of conduct for the first time in its storied existence. The nine justices all agreed to voluntarily comply with the new policy in response to multiple allegations of unreported travel to luxury destinations and influence campaigns aimed directly at the court members.

The 14-page code is available online for all to see, we know you will never read it. Hell, we didn’t want to read it either. But we did, and here are some of the new ethics rules the justices agreed to.

Oil Executives Are No Longer Allowed to Give Justices Foot and Back Rubs During Deliberations

It’s been a long-standing tradition for fossil fuel executives and lobbyists to gently massage Supreme Court Justices, relieving stress during tense discussions. The new code of conduct states that “Rubs of any nature will be limited to before and after the court is in session.”

Justices Must Disclose All Gifts, Donations, or Travel Accommodations By Screaming Them Into a Pillow

All nine justices unanimously agreed to a new system for disclosing gifts. Instead of keeping every single item a secret, they will now be required to enter a special room known as the “Closet of Enchantment” and scream the name of the gift giver and the financial value of each gift into a special pillow. Failure to comply with this new rule will result in the justice losing 10% of their cut of the cash from the court’s official Bribe Box.

Family Members of Justices Will Be Required to Report Any Financial Benefits On Their Deathbed

Anyone related to a Supreme Court Justice who received financial compensation from an outside interest group seeking to gain favor with a Justice will be required to report the value of the donation on their deathbed. They must give a detailed statement to a clergy member about each transaction. The clergy member will then be put to death in the interest of national security.

Justices Ruling On Cases Where “Impartiality Might Reasonably Be Questioned” Will Be Required to Take A Long Look in the Mirror Before Deliberation

If a Justice has a personal or financial stake in a ruling they might be considered impartial and should recuse themselves from the case. However, if the Justice takes a long hard look in the mirror and decides it’s not a big deal after all, they will be able to resume normal activity.

Justices Must Break Eye Contact With Lobbyists After The Third Stack Of Cash Is Reluctantly Placed In Their Hand

Intimidating the briber into sweetening the pot is still allowed, but a Justice can no longer stare them down until they fork over the entire wad. The Justice will also be required to say “You know I’m not supposed to do this?” after each stack of cash is handed over.

Food in the Supreme Court Fridge Must Be Clearly Labeled With Their Name or it Will be Considered Communal

Any bagged lunches, sodas, or snacks must be labeled in a “Clear and distinct fashion” to prevent them from being eaten by other Justices. Initials and nicknames will not be considered viable forms of identification. If clearly labeled food is eaten by a party not listed on the package, the offending party will be required to replace the food and provide an additional six-pack.