AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and impossibly moronic manchild Elon Musk announced this week that Tesla will begin locking the drive mode of its cars behind a monthly subscription, X-addicted sources confirmed.
“Because of the touchscreen controls of a Tesla, when you drive one you’re actually playing a video game, but in real life,” explained Musk, chopping up lines of Ketamine. “Thusfore, if game developers like Ubivision or Rockstar Blizzards use subscription models for simple stuff like gun and character skins, then it makes double-sense for Tesla. We’re a for-profit business, after all. They have games as a service, so we’re gonna have cars as a service. For as little as $8.99 per month, you can drive your very own Tesla that you’ve already purchased. For just three bucks more, you can even subscribe to your vehicle’s windshield wipers.”
Cybertruck owner and Tesla shareholder Dylan Wolcott defended the company’s decision to use a paywall.
“My boy Elon’s constantly innovating in the technology space because he’s a goddamn super-genius, bruh,” said Wolcott, sporting a Dogecoin t-shirt. “He’s turned a car into a cash register — cha-ching, motherfuckers! And monetizing driving, the defining characteristic of a car, guarantees every owner is gonna pay out the ass. I guess that includes me. Still, my Tesla shares are going to the fucking moon! My portfolio’s gonna get me laid hardcore.”
Industry analyst Ryan Bellning discussed the reasoning behind the paywall.
“I’m in no way surprised by this desperate ploy, given that Musk’s megalomania has done its best to, ahem, drive Tesla’s respectability into the ground,” observed Bellning. “Musk has the temperament and emotional intellect of a child, but even he’s realized his paycheck depends on share price. So, after Tesla locked self-driving behind a subscription, it was only a matter of time — or perhaps a matter of K-holes — before he did the same with regular driving to prop up the stock. I’m sure he sees himself as some arch supervillain, but he’s closer to that kid with an impulse-control problem from ‘Blank Check.’”
At press time, Musk also announced that Tesla will start a Grok-powered billing system for every use of the brakes.
