WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court reportedly began adding “no worries if not” at the end of all rulings President Donald Trump could potentially disagree with, confirmed sources who occasionally even added “we love you, big guy!” as well.
“I remember the days when Donald respected me as a human,” said Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Those few weeks during my confirmation hearing in 2018 were some of the best of my life. I’ll do anything to be his special boy again, even if it means allowing him to ignore our decisions, circumvent the Constitution, and break the rule of law. After all, whoever said keeping an eye on all of that was my job, anyway? I’m not here to ruffle any presidential feathers. Jurisprudence is kind of boring anyway.”
Attorney General Pam Bondi didn’t believe that strategy would be effective.
“We’re not concerned with whatever the Supreme Court wants to say,” said Bondi. “They’re glorified blog writers at best, just trying to be woke on the DEI internet, and the president is not beholden to them or anyone else. Unless, of course, they want to ban same sex marriage. Then we’re all ears, and I’ll instruct the president to shout out J-Rob, Bretty Boy, and that girl Amy on Truth Social for their incredible leadership.”
Ginni Thomas is reportedly less concerned with the ongoing constitutional crisis and more so looking for ways in which she and her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, could get something out of it.
“I think we could get a free plane ride or two when they aren’t using aircrafts to deport migrants,” said Thomas. “Seems kind of like a good deal. Clarence better put in a nice note about Trump’s hair or say he’s a good golfer next time he writes an opinion. And while he’s at it, Clarence should ask the president how he got that deal with Qatar. I wouldn’t mind having a fake jet in our backyard if we could swing it. Hopefully, that ‘no worries if not’ tactic will soften the president’s image of the court so we can get free shit.”
At press time, Trump announced plans to rebrand the Supreme Court as Trump Court, to which Chief Justice John Roberts didn’t seem to have an issue with, if it meant they’d be in the president’s good graces.