WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court overhauled their bribery process and made it more efficient by installing plaques with Venmo payment codes on the front of the bench where they make decisions that affect the entire country, according to horrified but frankly unsurprised legal watchdogs.
“Things have been running a lot more smoothly since we put up those fuzzy little photos that link to our bank accounts,” said Justice Samuel Alito while printing out memes from the Joe Rogan subreddit. “I’m 73 now and frankly, those late-night cash handoffs in parking garages were getting to be too much for me. I want to be in bed watching ‘Yellowstone’ by 9:30, not struggling to heave a suitcase full of unmarked bills into my trunk. A lot of people don’t know how heavy money is! It was really doing a number on my back.”
Colby Waters, a lawyer and lobbyist with close ties to the oil industry, is delighted with the new process.
“It’s so much easier to get money to the justices these days,” explained Waters as he lit a cigar with a $1,000 bill that was lit with a $100 bill. “I just scan the code and am able to quickly transfer however much is needed to get a favorable ruling. Roberts, Alito, and Thomas were the early adopters. Now Coney Barrett and Kavanaugh are using it, too. Gorsuch insists on using Zelle for some reason. Who the fuck uses Zelle? In any case, there’s really never been a better time to be a billionaire—or a billionaire’s lawyer—than right now. Isn’t technology wonderful?”
NPR’s legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg weighed in on the incredibly brazen acts of palm-greasing occurring in plain view at the court.
“I’ve been covering the Supreme Court for almost half a century, and while I’ve certainly witnessed some corruption transpire, I’ve never seen anything so egregious as this. I suppose it’s just a sign of the times,” said a clearly defeated Totenberg. “Corruption has been normalized thanks to the emboldened right and their close-knit relationship with wealthy power elites. This is just the tip of the iceberg, really. Last month I reported that Justice Thomas ruled in favor of Chipotle after they’d poisoned dozens of people in return for having a burrito named after him.”
As of press time, Justice Thomas was asked if there had been any challenges to this blatant display of quid pro quo. “We conservatives of the court roll six deep,” said Thomas, “Who the fuck is going to stop us?”