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Straight Edge Milwaukee Brewers Fan Knocks Team Merch Out of Own Hands

MEQUON, Wisc. — Local Milwaukee Brewers superfan and lifelong edgeman Paul Grazow continually knocks the team’s merchandise out of his own hands due to his militant views on alcohol consumption, multiple confused sources confirmed.

“I love the team, I think we got a great squad this year. Especially if Yelich can stay healthy. The problem I have is the team is named after drug dealers. People who work as brewers are no better than people farming cocaine in my opinion,” said Grazow while Xing up a giant foam hand. “Every time I wear my Cecil Cooper throwback jersey I feel like an edge-breaking sellout, but also it’s when I get the most compliments from strangers. I make sure I put all my Earth Crisis record in my closet before I put on a Brewers hat because I don’t want them to judge me. Sometimes I wish I grew up with a team that wasn’t named after the very thing I loathe.”

Roommate Paul Lincoln believes Grazow is putting too much pressure on himself to maintain a moral high ground.

“Paul is literally the only person in the world that cares about this sort of thing. Most baseball fans don’t know what straight edge is, and most straight edge people probably just think it’s an ironic fashion choice, like wearing Budweiser sweatpants,” said Lincoln. “But he’s really hard on himself, one time we went to the movies and he realized he accidentally wore a Project X shirt and a Brewers hat at the same time and he ran home to change. It was 12 miles, and he’s the one that drove. I had to take an Uber home.”

‘90s Boston straight edge icon “Straight” Aaron Joyce says supporting any major sports team should be considered an edge break.

“Sports are just vehicles to sell alcohol. Anyone who watches even one single second of a sporting event is equally as disgusting to me as fentanyl dealers who target elementary school children,” said Joyce, who has lived a solitary, joyless life for over 35 years. “If you think it’s ok to support a league that welcomes beer sponsors then I’m going to come to your house with a cheese grater and wipe all the straight edge tattoos off your body. You are a sellout and a fake.”

At press time, Grazow questioned his commitment to veganism after reading the origin of the Green Bay Packers team name.