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Steven Spielberg Announces Regret for Editing Guns, Massive Alien Dong Out of “E.T.”

LOS ANGELES – Steven Spielberg recently expressed regret for censoring the 20th anniversary release of “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” by editing out the guns and the titular alien’s massive, undulating penis, creeped-out sources confirmed.

“The film was a product of its era and I should have never removed the officers’ guns or E.T.’s giant, two-pronged cock from this beloved family film,” stated Spielberg. “It was a simpler time back then, a time when it was okay to show FBI agents with weapons chasing around kids or an alien with a slimy hog that gets covered in dirt, leaves, and Reese’s Pieces. In the original version it was actually his manhood which glowed not his finger, which in retrospect is how it should have stayed because it wasn’t sexual – it was flaccid the entire time and kind of just comically swung around. And of course there weren’t any balls, aliens don’t have balls.”

Gen-Xer Leslie McSorley insisted that she remembered originally seeing E.T.’s genitalia and wondered if it was due to some strange Mandela Effect.

“I swear I recollect seeing it but none of my friends do,” said a confused McSorley. “I don’t understand how this isn’t bigger news. It’s not like we’re talking about trivial things like how to spell that shitty Sarah Jessica Parker HBO show, or when the former President of South Africa actually died. We’re talking about one of the most iconic movie characters of all time and whether he flashed us his veiny peen or not. How am I supposed to explain this to my young kids? I guess I’ll just have to find a copy of the original on eBay if I ever win custody back.”

Film critic Sebastian Defarge explained that audiences would be surprised about all the classic movies which have been edited.

“Almost all of our favorites have been altered,” described Defarge. “James Cameron changed the ship in ‘Titanic’ from a twenty-foot party boat to the famous luxury liner after scholars complained about historical inaccuracies. And Quentin Tarantino replaced a very uncomfortable ‘Pulp Fiction’ scene where John Travolta’s character tries converting Samuel Jackson to Scientology with a light-hearted discussion about fast food. It’s interesting he did that but still chose to keep in all those unnecessary N-words for some reason.”

At press time, Spielberg announced that the upcoming 15th-anniversary edition of “The Adventures of Tintin” would restore the film’s original iconic Golden Shower scene.