LOS ANGELES — “Jackass” star Stephen “Steve-O” Glover was spotted early Black Friday morning pensively inspecting the entrance of a Best Buy while writing on a notepad and occasionally looking down at his crotch in apparent preparation for a testicle-related stunt, cringing witnesses confirmed.
“I can’t help it dude, everytime I think I’m done, I get an awesome new idea for destroying my penis, shooting something into or out of my butt, or a way to get covered in shit that’s never been done before,” the “Wildboyz” co-host explained while looking at the long line of shoppers. “It’s tricky though, people don’t realize you have to carefully plan these stunts out and sometimes it takes some trial and error before you find the perfect way to get a crazed army of shoppers to just annihilate your balls. It’s an art.”
Black Friday deal-seeker Nick Smith was at the front of the line when the store opened.
“We saw this guy wearing nothing but reindeer ears, a red nose, and a diaper with the American flag on it loitering around all morning. Then just as they started opening the doors he shouted ‘I’m Steve-O and this is the Black Friday Sack Stampede’ and hurled himself, spread-eagle, onto the ground,” recalled Smith, wiping blood from his own shopping wounds. “I felt bad stomping his cherries, but even the possibility of involuntary manslaughter wasn’t going to keep me away from a $25 air fryer. Besides, I’m pretty sure I heard him grunt ‘hell yeah’ as we trampled him, so I think I’m in the clear.”
Medics managed to extract Steve-O from the dangerous situation.
“He’s lucky we were already here because of the beheadings at last year’s sale. But as we were dragging him out from under the mob, he kept resisting and shouting ‘cut!’ even though there was no film crew or anything,” said EMT Brianna Reid between breaths from an oxygen mask. “He probably has some serious internal bleeding and should absolutely come with us to the hospital, but he refused. I’ve seen this too many times before and it’s tragic. And also, he really should have called the stunt ‘Black Friday Ball Busters.’”
At press time, Steve-O was overheard asking everyone if they could get back in line so he could try another take with a candy cane up his ass.