BROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.
“We’ve looked at everything you can look at: debris, schematics, calculations, but there seems to only be one common factor amongst all the crashes, and that is they’ve all had high school teachers on board at the time of the crash,” said Douglas McIntyre, lead engineer for SpaceX. “At this point, you can’t be calling it a coincidence anymore. Just look at the Columbia Shuttle disaster in 2003. They found that there were several stowaway teachers on board that NASA had not noticed before launch. The most frustrating part of being an engineer can be finding ways to stop educators from getting on board ships.”
The Teacher’s Union, however, was not pleased with the plan to discontinue the use of teachers in space.
“Elon Musk is putting many fine educators out of work by not putting teachers on these exploding spaceships. This is part of a coordinated attack from the Right to marginalize educators in our society,” said union representative Terry Framingham. “They are going to use teachers as a scapegoat and claim it’s their fault these rockets keep exploding. But the blame should fall on Musk and his cronies for their inability to design a rocket that actually works.”
Esteemed Harvard physicist Thomas Wong vocally opposed the decision to remove teachers from future launches.
“Historically, teachers have been used for a wide variety of useful tasks such as being flung at walls during castle sieges and being used to educate young people, but thanks to the Trump administration’s gutting of the Department of Education many teachers are left without work,” said Dr. Wong.“They’ve been looking at this problem all wrong: It’s not the school teachers, it’s a deficiency in school teachers. By adding more school teachers to these flights, they may find greater success in the future. There is an emerging new theory in physics that suggests the optimal way to launch a rocket out of Earth’s atmosphere would be to start with many public school teachers on board, and hurdle increasing numbers of them off as the ship leaves the atmosphere.”
At press time, Musk stated that all highly intelligent chimps will also be taken off future flights and will be required to use Ketamine with him while playing video games.