SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended, grieving sources confirm.
“It’s a well-known fact that wildlife have a difficult time grasping proper fire prevention safety tips,” exclaimed Brian McMillian, friend and neighbor of Sleepytime Tea Bear. “I always told him he needed to throw some water on it before going to bed, but he would just kind of doze off whenever I started talking to him. At first it kind of annoyed me, but after getting to know him I realized he was just a master at his craft. I mean the guy would fall asleep during game nights, block parties, fire alarms, 4th of July fireworks, you name it. The real tragedy is that a true prodigy was cut down in their prime.”
Local authorities are issuing guidance to residents on how they can prevent future house fires.
“First and foremost, I recommend heating your home with literally anything other than an exposed fire in the middle of your living room,” chirped Sleepy Hollow Fire Chief, Stan Windhorst. “It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake, and the only people who still heat their homes with a fireplace apparently are backwoods weirdos and brown bears with Ebenezer Scrooge-style pajamas. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but I mean, come on. I could stand here all day and tell people to check the batteries in their smoke detectors, but that’s not why this tragedy happened.”
The blaze that has rattled the community has prompted a federal investigation as well.
“We’re taking this incident very seriously,” said FDA spokesperson Sarah Moreno. “The tragedy that befell Sleepytime Tea Bear has prompted us to take a look at the potency of Celestial Seasonings Tea, along with other tea brands used to promote sleep. Simply put, if a product is too strong to be consumed safely, it needs to be regulated. We know these products are generally considered safe, but if their effects are so strong they cause you to sleep right through your body being engulfed in flames, that’s something that needs to be looked into.”
In related news, the Serta Mattress Sheep reportedly died in its sleep.