LONDON — Ubiquitous music identification app, Shazam, announced the release of a feature that will help users identify whether that song they were excited to discover is considered cool or in fact total dog shit, multiple sources confirmed.
“It’s a pretty big deal over here, we haven’t really added any new features for the past 21 years so we are all buzzing. Usually we’re just like, ‘Yeah, it’s this song,’ and then we call it a day,” said CEO Rich Riley. “We had the entire staff pulling 8-hour workdays for the first time in our lives cataloging everything into ‘Cool’ and ‘Totally Uncool.’I mean our Cool Music Experts did all the cataloging but we had to get them drugs and snacks and stuff. I really hope they like us.”
Shazam users are expressing their passionate excitement for the change.
“This is taking us back to the old days, man. We used to get our music info from our friend’s cool burnout older brother, and he’d roast the hell out of you if he saw you wearing some mall-core punk band shirt,” said avid Shazamer Jayme Ring. “It was something you could trust to keep you from getting punched in the face. Nowadays, you hear a song that lights you up, you Shazam it, and then you’re overwhelmed by the sudden realization that maybe everyone already knows the band totally sucks as. But not anymore.”
Icons in the music industry have been sharing their thoughts as well. When asked how he felt about the change, Sir Paul McCartney wasn’t shy at all.
“You can’t modernize everything. Music isn’t about an app telling you what’s cool. It’s about your drug connect telling you that your last album totally wasn’t cool. It’s about your unemployed cousin telling you what’s going on at shows in the alleys behind dive bars,” said McCartney. “We can’t let these tech companies be the people in charge of what is cool. Have you ever met a remotely cool tech worker? They are all a bunch of wankers in windbreakers that slowly destroy culture. But I do hope they put my music in the cool column, especially the stuff with Wings, that stuff was cool.”
Shazam says it is now working on adding brief song bios that will explain the history of the song’s coolness or corniness, complete with a timeline on discourse and quotes from registered cool people about the song.