MINNEAPOLIS — Minneapolis residents were reportedly on high alert today after a masked sex offender began going door to door informing them that this was an ICE raid, sources confirmed.
“I was chosen to lead ‘Operation Nubile Justice’ because I have a vast amount of experience going door to door, dealing with locals that for some reason become hostile as soon as I announce who I am and why I’m here. These lawless immigrants should be grateful I’m even asking for their A/S/L papers, because the Department of Homeland Security has authorized me to shoot first and ask who’s 18 later,” said the ICE Agent who refused to give his name, but asked to be called by his code name “The Humbertnator.” “I don’t know what I expected from these illiterate foreigners who can’t even spell ephebophilia even though it’s written right there on the leaflets I posted all over the neighborhood explaining the local age of consent laws.”
White House Border Czar Tom Homan defended the escalation of home raids by ICE agents.
“The tree of liberty requires constant grooming to remain healthy, and our agents are expertly trained in ‘delicately handling’ vulnerable women and children, if you know what I mean. These brave men have been given unlimited authority by President Trump to search every dollhouse, playground, and high school locker room for illegal immigrant activity in our communities,” said Homan, sucking in his gut while trying to squeeze into Greg Bovino’s old jacket. “Now the real constitutional crisis here is that there is an online ‘offender’ registry doxxing thousands of our brave agents on some website run by a radical ANTIFA leftist named Dru Sjodin. Rest assured as soon as we find this perpetrator they will see swift justice.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem went on the offensive during a press conference to defend the ICE operation.
“Instead of needlessly digging around in our ICE agents’ pasts, the question you all should be asking is ‘what kind of irresponsible parent would allow their children to come into contact with known sex offenders?’ This kind of reckless child endangerment might be ok in whatever shithole country they’re from, but not here in The United States of America,” said Secretary Noem, swallowing a wad of shredded Epstein File documents. “That’s why we’ve rounded up these precious children and sent them to a special camp in Texas where they’ll be safe from the roving gangs of dangerous sex offenders currently terrorizing Minneapolis.”
At press time, ICE had reportedly commandeered a fleet of ice cream trucks to covertly patrol the neighborhood and conduct their raids.
