SALEM, Ore. — Local scientists at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) warned this week that flushing unused and expired SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotics may lead to a serious crisis in the creativity and sexual potency in marine life, confirmed sources.
“We’ve all seen ‘Finding Nemo.’ Now picture that movie with less fish boners. That’s what we’re dealing with here,” said Dr. Mariclare Berendo of the ODFW. “All drains lead to the ocean and flushing unused head-meds really robs the fish population of their creative spark. They can’t make their little fish music. They can’t paint their little fishy paintings. They can’t tell their little fishy stand-up jokes. All they do is go through long bouts of depression where they can’t seem to get themselves out of their coral reefs in the morning. Plus, at night, their eyes roll around in their heads, which is real weird.”
While Dr. Berendo provided no explanation as to how fish could paint before, this news has nevertheless been a shock to locals.
“Look, family court made me go on meds to see my kids,” said Kyle Wendice. “Something about my clinical paranoia and constant mood-swings didn’t gel with the judge for a safe upbringing. But I don’t take that shit. It all goes straight from the pharmacy into the toilet. I always assumed it would be no trouble to flush the meds. After all, I flush most of my garbage and recyclables down the john. But now I know I’d be better off taking those expired meds myself.”
This has come as a surprise to local fish merchants as well, such as Daniel McGuirken, head fish-monger of Beaver State Seafood Market.
“It ain’t what it used to be,” said McGuirken. “Used to be they’d haul in the catch of the day with bloodshot eyes and huge, swollen cloacas, stuck out like any man’s rosy pecker. Boy, you’d never seen randier fish. We’d have to chop ‘em right off before we’d show ‘em to people or the city’d come down on us. Nowadays, I bet most of you’ve never even seen a fish’s massive hard-on. It’s a travesty.”
At press time, scientists at the ODFW were preparing final edits on a new study on the effects of over the counter pain killers on the state’s massive beaver population.