BOSEMAN, Mont. — Local vegan and doomsday prepper Abe Friesen stocked his basement refrigerator with 600 pounds of Impossible beef, confirmed sources.
“I got a whole year’s supply of Impossible beef in one go by purchasing the entire slab. Not only did I save money, but you don’t know what the woke government puts in cow beef anyways,” said Friesen, who couldn’t list a single ingredient of the meat substitute product. “My underground bunker is fully loaded with Impossible beef tip, sirloin, and t-bone. Hell, I even have Impossible Kobe and Wagyu beef. All I know is that when the world ends, and it will, likely next month, I’ll be eating like a cruelty-free king every day, the simulated juices of my bounty dripping down my chin.”
Local butcher Will Delatraz says Friesen isn’t the only vegan buying Impossible Foods products in bulk.
“Montana’s long been a haven for introverted right-wing nut jobs,” reported Delatraz. “And the liberal media never reports that there are vegans on the right side of the aisle too. I’d say a good 40% of my business is Ted Kaczynski types that bring in slabs of Impossible beef as big as minivans for me to cut up. Sure, I don’t get the same satisfaction from cutting up soy protein as I do from slicing through the rotting flesh of a dead animal that probably just wanted to live peacefully in nature like a loser, but money’s money and I have bills to pay. So are you guys going to buy some meat or what?”
Impossible Foods CEO Peter McGuinness is already capitalizing on the economy’s next emerging market.
“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but we’re developing life-like animatronic wildlife made out of Impossible products to roam the wild after people are gone,” said McGuinnes while scarfing down a Triple Baconator from Wendy’s. “Even after society inevitably collapses due to the corporate greed of companies that aren’t us, Impossible Foods will still satisfy the needs of our customers and shareholders. Impossible-based wild cows, deer, turkeys, rabbits, bison, and other kinds of animals will all be on offer. That way, post-apocalyptic vegan hunters will be able to hunt, kill, and process animals to provide sustenance for their families; just like God intended.”
At press time, Friesen was seen picking Impossible gristle from between his teeth.