TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new bill that bans the word “gay” from being used in any Christmas songs past or present, sources confirmed.
“Christmas is about spending time with family and celebrating the birth of my personal hero Jesus Christ. It is not a time to sing carols that indoctrinate children into a gay agenda that seeks to perpetuate the War on Christmas,” said DeSantis. “This bill is a tool in destroying the woke mind virus and returning a sense of morality to our society. I want to send a message to the children of this great state; Santa will not give you gifts this year if your parents sing those banned lyrics. That is why we will have a hotline to report infractions to local law enforcement. Starting today, anyone who is caught using the word ‘gay’ while caroling on a humid Florida night will be sentenced to 25 years in prison with no chance of parole.”
Some Florida residents don’t think this new law goes far enough.
“I think this is a good start, but as a society, we need to create harsher laws to combat people who say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ and anyone who suggests that Santa is Black should be fined at least $75,000,” said local man Chris Carson. “Speaking of Santa, he needs to stop giving so many hand-outs. Not every child deserves gifts, he should only deliver presents to the children who have read the Bible cover to cover and show reverence to baby Jesus on a daily basis. Kids today are out of control, the naughty list isn’t enough to dissuade them from being heathens.”
Music historian Olive Agosto is actively petitioning Governor DeSantis to reverse his decision.
“I tried explaining to everyone involved in creating this bill that the word ‘gay’ didn’t mean the same thing when these songs were written. Then I accidentally mentioned that most of the famous Christmas carols were written by Jewish men and they started calling me an anti-semite for some reason,” said Agosto. “I’ve also heard that some lawmakers in Tallahassee are trying to make ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime’ by Paul McCartney be Florida’s official Christmas song. That’s when I realized I was dealing with truly sick people who can’t be helped.”
At press time, Governor DeSantis banned reruns of “The Flintstones” after learning the family was having a “gay old time” in every episode.