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Rising Cost of Touring Threatens To Destroy the “Guy Who Slashes Tires Outside the Venue” Industry

BALTIMORE — A new study found that rising inflation, paired with the inherent financial strain put on touring bands, could potentially wipe out the once bustling industry of pointlessly slashing the tires of the very people who traveled quite a long way just to play a shitty basement venue, sources with unresolved rage issues confirmed.

“It used to be that I could go out three or four times a week to slash some band’s van tires while they argued with the booker over the door take,” explained genuine bastard Glen Henson. “But lately, I’m lucky if I can sink this rusty half of a pair of scissors into rubber even once a month. The last band band to tour here did it on fucking bicycles! I don’t think I can take much more of this, a man has to work. I’m starting to feel useless.”

Calvin Marsters, owner of local venue The Shit Shelter, gave his perspective on the recent trend.

“People have been slashing tires outside of this place since before it even opened. Seriously, like I hadn’t even signed the deed yet when some jackass stuck a piece of loose scrap metal into my Plymouth’s whitewalls,” recalled Marsters. “But really, that’s just a part of this place’s history. And now all of that history is in jeopardy just because of this shitty economy. Also, I don’t like to pay the bands.”

Numerous touring bands, however, reacted with far less negativity to recent changes in the “slashin’ industry.”

“I’m really bummed that we aren’t able to tour as often, and it’s doubly unfortunate now that we could actually park outside the venue without some piece of shit shiving our converted paddy wagon with a sharpened umbrella handle,” said Mel Allmer, drummer for art-thrash band Freakarooney. “On the other hand, we’ve really built up our presence locally, what with no touring bands to share the stage with. And since there’s no tires to slash, people are actually inside watching the fucking show. That’s kind of a nice silver lining.”

At press time, an emotionally broken Henson was being physically removed from an area Firestone franchise.