OMAHA, Neb. — A longtime Walmart employee revealed that he is giving himself at least three or four more shifts until he finally snaps and has a violent, psychotic breakdown, coworkers have reported.
“For six years I’ve been plugging away without complaining or asking for any extra days off. And you know what I get in return? I’ve been personally blamed for the national supply chain crisis, told to clean up excrement of both human and animal, and on dozens of occasions been the only cashier on duty. I figured that I owe it to myself to give it just a few more days before I calmly walk through the doors and burn this motherfucker down,” said Francis Kelly. “Every second I’m here is a waking nightmare where every sense I have is being punished by indifferent corporate overlords and entitled boomers, so I think I’ve earned the right to beat someone within an inch of their life with a bag of onions.”
Store management noticed a change in Kelly’s demeanor, though they were unaware that his mind was on the verge of imploding.
“Frankie has been one of our best employees, and honestly, I’m impressed he’s been with us for so long. Most everyone else just either stops showing up with no notice, doesn’t come back from lunch one day, or walks out the door in an expletive-riddled rant, but he’s been sticking it out even after I only gave him a $1.20 an hour raise in the last four years,” said manager Colleen Jennings. “But the other day I saw him just staring at the wall and mumbling to himself in the stock room for like 15 minutes straight. And lately, whenever I’ve called him to back up at the registers he tells me ‘everyone is going to pay one way or another.’ I’m not sure whether I should write him up or contact the ATF tip hotline.”
The American Psychological Association has been tracking behaviors in retail workers for the past 18 months, and noted that Kelly’s behavior is more commonplace than most people realize.
“The pandemic has obviously put a strain on nearly every facet of our existence. But the hospitality industry, particularly retail workers, have gotten the shaft particularly hard. In Mr. Kelly’s instance, a neverending assault on his dignity coupled with hours of strenuous labor with little to show for it has forced him to consider violence in lieu of a vacation,” said APA rep Ashley Elizabeth. “Whether or not he’ll act upon his animal instinct to lash out is yet to be seen, but if I were his manager I’d start locking up anything sharp.”
As of press time, Kelly announced that he is moving his meltdown up to later this afternoon after the fourth customer today remarked that the item not ringing up correctly at his register must be free.