QUINCY, Mass. — A pair of teenagers crossing the parking lot of an abandoned strip mall moments ago report that there is definitely someone fucking in that car over there, near that big tree.
“The windows are all fogged up, and the car is rocking back and forth. What else could they be doing in there?” said the report’s co-author and curious teen Danny Fitzgerald. “I got pretty close, and I’m pretty sure I saw a boob… but it could’ve been a kneecap. I didn’t want to get too close and risk being seen. Plus, I’ve seen plenty of boobs before, so whatever.”
Many Quincy residents were disturbed by the report’s findings.
“This is very concerning. There are a lot of children in this neighborhood, and they shouldn’t be exposed to that sort of thing,” said concerned citizen Elroy Clifford, who read the report on his Twitter feed. “Young couples have no patience these days. Back when I was a teenager, we’d take the time to drive deep into the secluded wilderness before we fucked each others’ brains out.”
Critics moved quickly to contradict the report, claiming “those two sexless virgins wouldn’t know what sex looked like if it was happening right on top of them.”
“If sex was happening in a car, I’d be the one having it,” said Xaverian Brothers High School football captain Thad Upton. “I should drive over there right now to ‘peer review’ this bullshit… but I have parties to hit. I’m not just wandering around parking lots at night, like a couple of creepy peeping Toms.”
This is not the first time a report from the teenagers has come under fire: their report last year, “There’s A Homeless Guy Smoking Crack Behind the Stop and Shop Dumpster,” was found to be the store’s assistant manager using a vape pen on his lunch break.