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I Appreciate That You Breakdancing Teens Want to Save the Youth Center, but This Neighborhood Really Needs a Jamba Juice

Wow! That was some dance number, kids. This funky fresh fundraiser to save your local youth center has been something!

I’ve been watching you inspirational, multi-ethnic teens from the window of my cold and monochromatic skyscraper office for some weeks now. And seeing you all work together despite your differences has nearly melted my frozen, corporate heart. “Nearly” being the keyword.

Yes I very nearly regret to inform you that the owner of this youth center has already sold the building to me. Like, weeks ago. So, technically all that money you just raised to cover his rising rent is now mine. If it makes you feel any better, I will be using that money to replace your beloved center with… drum roll please… a Jamba Juice franchise!

Ok, I think I’m sensing some disappointment.

I realize now that when you invited me on-stage after your big, triumphant dance number that also summed up the lessons you learned and hardships you overcame, you likely anticipated that I had some good news for you.

But here’s the thing – lately there has been an influx of new and affluent residents in your neighborhood. You’ve likely seen them walking their tiny dogs, riding their fixed gear bicycles, and moving to the other side of the street when they see you approaching. And with these new residents comes increased costs of living, national smoothie chains, and fewer safe havens for at-risk teens.

I would also like to apologize on behalf of your new neighbors who regrettably couldn’t come speak to you in person. They were concerned that seeing your giant saucer eyes and passionate popping and/or locking would get in the way of them getting Mega Blast Aloha Smoothies. But If it makes you feel any better, I have it on good authority that every one of them voted for Obama. Twice!

For the record, I want you to keep expressing yourselves, just not in my neighborhood. Or, I mean, your soon-to-be former neighborhood. Tell you what – if you kids need a place to go after school that can help you avoid the harsh realities of the streets, Jamba Juice is hiring! Obviously, we won’t hire those among you with visible tattoos and piercings, but at least a few of you may qualify for a minimum wage job making smoothies.

Now please, get out of my building immediately or I’ll call the police.