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Report: Finger Mustache Overtakes Swastika as Most Removed Tattoo

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — A recent survey of tattoo enthusiasts found that the once-popular finger mustache tattoo surpassed the swastika as the most removed tattoo in the country.

“Our industry’s demographic is largely former gangbangers and white supremacists who want to start over, but in the last few months they’ve been eclipsed by clientele desperate to get those mortifying fingerstaches removed. I’m not one to judge since I’m in the business of erasing mistakes, but I’ve no idea what would possess a person to get one of those dumbass things in the first place,” said laser tattoo removal tech Jen Shillington. “At this rate we’re looking at three mustaches for every swastika removed, and it makes you wonder how many millennials with poor impulse control are still out there.”

Those who’ve had their finger mustaches removed were eager to start over and return to a sense of normalcy.

“I can’t excuse what I did, but you have to understand that 2006 was a different time. I was living in Brooklyn and going through a phase of only drinking IPAs, and all my friends were getting them. We just wanted to stand out and be quirky, you know? But the laughs stopped after like two weeks and I’ve had to wear this thing like a mark of shame ever since. My dad’s side of the family who’s covered in Sailor Jerry tats haven’t spoken to me in nearly 15 years,” said Molly Williams. “I can’t tell you how many jobs and friendships it’s cost me. Maybe now I can finally return to polite society and not get kicked out of coffee shops for being cheugy.”

Anti-hate group advocates hypothesize that a shift in cultural norms is driving people to remove embarrassing tattoos over one inspired by bigotry.

“There are a few reasons we’re seeing this disparity, one of which is that right-wing fascists feel emboldened by recent events and are less likely to have their hate tattoos removed. The bigger reason we’ve seen though is that elder millennials are being ostracized and bullied by Gen Z, and nothing inspires change more than a 38-year-old who still desperately wants to be cool,” said Southern Poverty Law Center rep Mike McGuinnes. “The world would be better off with the swastika eradicated entirely, we’re OK with finger mustaches disappearing too, or at the very least being covered up with something badass like a snake.”

Another survey has also revealed that “just breathe” has been removed more than every iron cross or skinhead tattoo combined in the last three years.