NORMAN, Okla. — A surprising new study found that it’s way easier to just change your password every time you login instead of trying to remember whatever jumbled variation of your childhood pet’s name and special characters you used last, highly un-secure sources confirmed.
“First, these fuckers say you can’t reuse passwords… then you have to use numbers and letters, and some of the letters have to be capitalized. Oh, and throw a few symbols and Egyptian hieroglyphs in there for good measure. And because I’m not freaking Rain Man and can’t remember all that, obviously I just click, ‘Forgot Password?’ and reset it every time,” said data scientist Bethany Guzman. “Yeah, I make fun of my mom for sticking dozens of Post-Its with her passwords all around her computer monitor, but maybe she’s on to something.”
Local punk Kitty Wilkinson explained her “surefire” method for staying safe online.
“If you ask me, the best defense against hacks and identity theft isn’t a great password — it’s having an identity not worth stealing,” said Wilkinson. “And besides, if you had some amazingly safe, hack-proof password, then you wouldn’t get to take part in all these kick-ass data breach settlements. That $90 from Equifax is going to set me up for six months if it ever shows up.”
However, internet security expert Zachary Sellers was flabbergasted to hear the majority of Americans just change their password instead of remembering it.
“First of all, I want to point out that, in my expert opinion, changing your password everytime is incredibly stupid,” said Sellers. “If you really can’t remember your password, just write it down, and place that document in a highly secure location, like I did right here. Wait, where is that paper? Oh, my god… if my boss finds out I lost that I’ll be fired. Shit, shit, shit!”
At press time, an anonymous man with a strong Russian accent claiming to be an Internet security expert informed us that the best way to stay safe online is to update all of your passwords to the highly secure “password1.”