LOS ANGELES – Aaron Sorkin caused a stir in Hollywood when he released a new “more grounded” script replacing stylized dialogue with awkward pauses and characters thinking of witty retorts five minutes later, confirmed multiple sources who claim to still love “The West Wing.”
“It all started when someone called me Stephen King’s aborted twin,” said the acclaimed writer-director. “I tried to come up with a comeback, but I just mumbled ‘you too’ and walked away. Five minutes later I thought of a whole speech about how the guy that called me that was a disappointment to his parents, his friends, and most importantly America. It was super eloquent, but then I realized that no one is that quick-witted. If I, a super genius writer and master of subtlety, could not clap back in the moment, why should any of my characters? So I wrote this new script where everyone is a simpering dipshit, just like in real life.”
Frequent collaborators of Sorkin are having difficulty adjusting to the new realistic format.
“I’ve never had to act through so many dumbfounded silences as on Aaron’s new film,” said fake president Martin Sheen, “My character would get insulted, and I would just stand there stammering, saying ‘uhhhhh,’ and then occasionally just cry before running out of the room. That happens to me all the time in real life, but it isn’t very fun in movies. He also keeps writing me these long monologues that I either have to say ‘um’ and ‘er’ the entire time, or I get interrupted four seconds and say ‘oops, sorry, you go ahead’ even though I was talking first. It’s as frustrating as it is realistic.”
This new wave of cinematic realism has taken hold with auteurs all across Hollywood.
“Kids are never that precocious. Typically they’re dumb as rocks,” said Wes Anderson, “When I saw what Aaron was doing, I just knew I needed to make a change. Now all my set dressing is drab and uniform, and the child actors will no longer reference mid-century Britpop. Instead they’ll be obsessed with getting ‘Fortnite’ dances exactly right. In the interest of realism, I’ve also rewritten every character that interacts with Gwyneth Paltrow to find her completely insufferable.”
At press time, Sorkin was furiously rewriting his script upon observing that conservative news anchors rarely parrot liberal talking points.