KUTZTOWN, Pa. — St. Patrick’s Day reveler and local punk Shane Becker was unconcerned that his green-tinted urine had nothing to do with the 15 dyed beers he’d drank, bar patrons have confirmed.
“Normally I’d be asking if this looks infected, but the timing of it couldn’t be more perfect since I forgot to wear something green today. It’s actually been three weeks since my piss has looked like Ecto Cooler, but I’ll give it another day or two before I start to get concerned,” said Becker. “Damn if I know how this happened. It might be the one piece of asparagus I ate last month or that I live downriver from a wastewater treatment plant, but my main focus today is to blackout in honor of St. Patrick, which should offset the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire.”
Jody Wallace, pub bartender and acquaintance of Becker, didn’t share the same ambivalence about his medical condition.
“I’ve let Shane get away with public urination every once in a while, but he straight up took a leak onto one of our plants today and it died instantly. As far as I know his urine looked like that before we opened, so unless he had a ton of dye and Coors Lights at home he needs to go to the hospital,” said Wallace. “At least three guys have run out of the bathroom screaming today and it’s starting to kill the vibe. He’s pretty far gone so I might be able to sprinkle some crushed up some penicillin into his drinks. It couldn’t be less safe than whatever he’s going through now.”
Doctors who were alerted to Becker’s condition reiterated that holiday revelry shouldn’t overshadow the fact that his condition may be irreversible.
“Is it amusing? Yes, but if anyone’s urine isn’t some shade of yellow it should be looked into. Shane doesn’t strike me as the type who’d ingest any natural dyes found in fruits or vegetables, so if his urine isn’t the result of green-dyed Miller High Life, he will likely suffer massive organ failure in the next 48 hours,” said urologist Michael Klein. “I suggest that he incorporate some normal-colored beer into his St. Patrick’s Day celebration and see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, we may be looking at a UTI unlike anything mankind has ever seen.”
Halfway through the day, bar staff finally asked Becker to leave after several patrons developed acute radiation poisoning after he accidentally pissed his pants.