BOSTON — Longtime scene veteran Tom Williams wistfully pined yesterday for his scene’s bygone era that featured rampant, unprovoked stabbings, lamenting the decreasing rate of violence since the “good old days,” puzzled sources confirmed.
“Things have really gone to shit around here in the last few decades,” said Williams. “These all ages shows and DIY bullshit… that’s not punk. You know what’s punk? Punching my way into a show if I don’t have $5.”
“Did you know most venues in town didn’t used to have barriers? Or security?” Williams added. “Or any discernible rules concerning people’s well being? That was before everybody turned into giant babies who are afraid of giant puddles of blood, of course.”
Williams’ friends and coworkers claimed his disdain for modern safety standards isn’t limited to punk rock.
“He went on an absolute rampage a few years ago when management made us start wearing helmets and goggles,” said Jason Bastion, his foreman at Northwest Machine & Tool. “But it was only because so many people were getting injured. [Williams] got most of his hand severed in one incident… but he still gives me half a middle finger every time I remind him to put on his safety equipment. He doesn’t seem to do well with change — or factory equipment, if we’re being honest.”
With most venues now enforcing basic rules to avoid liability lawsuits, Williams firmly maintained that the “golden era” of local punk rock is long over.
“You see that Starbucks?” said Williams, pointing. “Used to be Chest Pain, the best venue in town — I saw a guy get beaten to death with a table leg during a Discharge show. But it got shut down after a toilet exploded one day, and it’s never been the same around here ever since.”
“These kids today just can’t take a punch to the face followed by a few dozen stomps to the head with a combat boot,” Williams added bitterly. “They really killed something great.”
At press time, Williams was seen yelling at yuppies entering a new condominium, telling them that “this block was much better when it was filled with heavily armed prostitutes and gang violence.”