BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local punk Chaz Long used very creative accounting techniques when he wrote off his support for his scene as a charitable donation on his tax forms this year, several sources report.
“I think if anyone gets a tax break for supporting this city’s scene, it should be me,” Long explained before Googling worst case scenarios in the event you get audited. “Sure, I make little to no money, so it’s hard to support the scene monetarily, but I do sneak into shows whenever I’m lucky enough to bum a ride. And let’s not forget about all the charitable cigarettes I’ve donated to people in need in this scene. That’s got to be equivalent to giving to UNICEF. Either way, the IRS better not garnish my returns again this year.”
Longtime friend Rachel Evos was called upon by Long once again to help with his taxes this year.
“Chaz is so full of shit,” Evos explained while crunching some numbers. “Every time I hear him talk about anything remotely related to the punk scene, it’s usually about how good it used to be back in the day or about how some venue that no longer exists had an awesome Taco Bell next to it. As a matter of fact, he should be audited for lying about scene support. He would probably owe years worth of back taxes on drink tickets alone.”
IRS agent Richard Doyle weighed in on the subject of phony scene tax write-off cred.
“You would think punks would brush up on their local tax codes from time to time,” Doyle explained. “In fact, the whole tax write-off thing for charity is all bullshit in general. Cancer research, St. Judes, GoFundMes, etc. I think people just try to get brownie points with the government for adding all that nonsense on their tax forms. Little do they know that giving to charity isn’t going to make us want your money any less. If anything, it means we know you have more to give to us.”
At press time, Long decided to also write off a recent tattoo he got as a work expense citing his job as a member of a D-Beat band.