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Punk Son Insists on Calling Family’s Disney Vacation “Southeast Tour”

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — High school freshman and self-described punk Michael Wade is calling his family’s upcoming Walt Disney World vacation his “Southeast Tour,” despite having no band or non-familial crew with whom to tour.

“Yeah, pretty much every spring, I roll through the Southeast with my crew — they love us down there. I’m always getting hit up by peeps being like, ‘When you coming back?’ and shit like that,” explained Wade. “So that’s pretty chill. Also, I go by Mick Blade now. Don’t use my government name — that’s fascist bullshit.”

Wade allegedly even misrepresented the annual family trip to those closest to him.

“I’m so excited for Mike. Ah! I mean, Mick,” said Megan Torres, Wade’s girlfriend of nearly three weeks. “I hoped to hang over spring break, but he’ll be on tour in Florida. I didn’t even realize his band was still together, but this sounds big.”

“I guess he’s gonna playing with the Dwarves and the Descendents,” she added wistfully. “This is punk rock history! I wish I could go.”

When reached, Wade’s mother Rebecca confirmed several of Torres’ “tour” details.

“Well, of course we’ll ride the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train — that’s one of Michael’s favorite rides! And we definitely plan to do the Disney Descendants Dance-Off at Animal Kingdom,” said Mrs. Wade. “This year, Michael is actually saving us some money: he insisted on sharing a room with his sisters and sleeping on the floor for a ‘real road experience.’”

For her part, Mrs. Wade agreed with her son’s characterization of the trip as a tour.

“Well, we’re hitting Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Hollywood Studios, and Animal Kingdom. Heck, we may get crazy and head over to Universal Studios for a day. My husband even packed his speedo, just in case,” said the mother of three. “If that’s not a rock’n’roll tour, I don’t know what is! Watch out Florida — the Wades are going to rock dance all over you.”

At press time, Michael was spotted adorning his gray Disney MagicBand, complete with metallic spikes carving “Mick Blade” into the plastic casing.

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