SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local punk Steven Marsh botched his 23andMe test late last week after inexplicably vomiting into the DNA collection tube, a confused and disgusted eyewitness confirmed.
“I thought I’d have to spit in that tube for a half hour or something, but luckily, it all came out right away,” said Marsh of his “fucking crazy” amount of puke that filled the sample container and stained the floor beneath it. “I just hope there’s enough spit in there that they can sort through the quinoa and beer.”
Marsh, known as “Marsh Mouth” to friends for his propensity to vomit uncontrollably at seemingly random times, tried to determine his genealogical makeup at the suggestion of his girlfriend, Cassandra Pierce — who hoped it might explain some of his personal habits.
“I thought there might be a gene that just makes you gross, but still somehow charming. Or maybe he’s from some weird country where it’s rude to wash your hands or zip up your pants,” Pierce muttered from behind a handkerchief, shielding her nose. “But I think he’s just naturally disgusting.”
“Also, I’m pretty sure he didn’t read where the instructions said not to eat 30 minutes before doing the spit thing,” she added. “There was definitely at least one pistachio shell in the beaker… which just leads to even more questions.”
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Despite the skewed results, Marsh enjoys legendary status amid the Sacramento scene, thanks to his expulsive stomach.
“You’ve heard of the dude who barfed all over Toby Morse’s limited edition Nike Dunks a few years back?” Marsh asked. “Well, this might come as a surprise, but you’re looking at him.”
Marsh’s sample reportedly arrived at 23andMe labs yesterday morning. While technician Rashad Barnes couldn’t properly analyze the contaminated kit, he still gleaned some insight about Marsh.
“Yeah, I went to high school with Marsh Mouth,” Barnes said. “He’d eat bugs if you gave him a dollar. And according to the sample, he still does.”
Photo by Alex Aho and Jeni Ihrke.